I have a confession. I’ve had an unfair advantage since Valentine’s Day and moving forward into the lockdown, which is, or rather was, that I broke up with someone I had been seeing for a few months around that time. Which means that while most of my friends were pining for any kind of intimacy while sheltering in place, I was completely shut down emotionally and sexually. Since things started warming up and my heart started to thaw, I’ve been asked out on several dates, invited to make porn, encouraged to attend naked pool parties, and all of the usual hoopla that is ubiquitous in Palm Springs culture, virus be damned. All in all, I’ve been a very “good boy,” but it isn’t easy, and I’ve had to go to such extreme measures as listening to podcasts by leading disease detective, Michael Osterholm and Dr. Fauci just to keep my perspective on reality in check.
When I really want to cool my jets, I listen to Daniel Defoe’s “Diary of a Plague Year.” Descriptions of people so desperate to die from the plague and end their misery taking long running jumps into the death pits of London to speed things up are certainly a boner killer. But its hard to behave in a culture of permissiveness full of temptation, especially when a huge portion of the general population is acting like nothing is wrong and doing their best to go about as if it’s business as usual, even if they have to do it covertly.
These days, I am reminded very much of the early days of the AIDS epidemic, when the term “safer sex” was anything but reassuring. “Safer sex” sounds like a situation that could lead to getting “kind of pregnant,” if you catch my drift. I remember when I first came out in 1985, there wasn’t any real consensus about whether or not it was safe to even kiss. It took a long time to figure out the degrees of risk involved with a kiss, a blowjob, fucking with or without a condom, etcetera. Over time, information became easier to evaluate. Kissing was relatively safe, unless you had bloody gums. Oral sex was kind of safe, but once again, only if you hadn’t just flossed or brushed your teeth, or didn’t have any lesions in your mouth, and so on…
When I moved to San Francisco in 1987, the Bathhouses were all closed, but sex was still happening everywhere. Even the parks were full of cruisers. But, by then, condoms were everywhere too, even though almost everybody hated them and nobody really wanted to wear them. We did what we had to do. Monogamy was in, although I never really met anybody who was gay and truly monogamous. And safe sex was a creative enterprise. Jack-off clubs were in. I believe there was even a club called “Blow-buddies,” which doesn’t really require explanation. Even in a plague, San Francisco still had a smorgasbord of sexual venues to keep the natives happy. I discovered voyeurism and exhibitionism, and put all my pent up mojo to use winning every amateur strip contest in the city whenever the rent was due and I was running short.
The jackpot for me during those years was discovering the men’s Tantra movement through the many friends I knew who had graduated from Body Electric. Body Electric techniques taught me how to experience intimacy without commitment and full body orgasms, which are a fabulous alternative to unprotected sex. Through my exploration of Tantra, I was able to create a context for myself with sex as something beautiful and sacred at a time when it was becoming more and more equated with death. Tantra gave me a way to re-contextualize sex with healing and spirituality, intimacy and organic ecstasy. Over the years, I’ve come to realize that in many ways, Tantra saved my life, because it helped me find a way to express myself sexually that was integrated, safe, and heart centered.
So when I think about sex in the current climate of Covid-19, I think about it from a Tantric perspective. Which has been very much enhanced lately as I have explored Tantric literature, both ancient and contemporary. I have been most enthralled as of late with the teachings of Osho, a guru from India, who is famous for his experimental society in Southern Oregon, which was in full swing during my adolescence and very close to my hometown in Northern California. And it has been surprising to me that I have become such an avid fan of Osho, because I grew up being told that he was a mad man, and the documentary about him on Netflix, "Wild Country," only confirms that all of the rumors I grew up hearing about him were more or less true. But this is an instance where Osho is the finger pointing to the moon, not the moon itself, so I am in love with the message he brings to me, and I can separate the message from the messenger.
Osho says that desire is a trap. From a Tantric perspective, anything you desire outside of yourself is a manifestation of something that is always within you. So, rather than chasing after the thing that you desire, it is best to stop and explore the source of that desire, and look within. Osho says that sex and love come from the same source, but that love is superior. Because the message from my brain saying that the fulfillment of my desire is “out there,” is only serving to lead me further and further away from the infinite truth residing within the heart.
But I don’t see myself being able to meditate away my libido at this point in my life. I do see the opportunity to follow the trail of my desire from within and exploring the love that I have yet to cultivate and experience within myself so that I can share it with others more freely. And in those moments of deep introspection, I do see the opportunity to discover who I am, to heal, and to become more aware of the kind of choices I make when it comes to love and sex moving into the not so certain future.
Osho says that God is love. To know love is to know God. Which is something that has always resonated deeply with me, but somehow I had lost my connection to that truth, and I needed all of these hours of introspection and processing Osho’s words to remember that they came from my heart. And realizing what I already knew but had almost forgotten helps me see that in many ways, Covid-19 has been a blessing. Because it has forced me to come to terms with myself, and once I traveled through the hall of horrors and disappointments within myself, I came to realize that I am a child of God. I am a drop in the ocean that cannot be separated from the ocean, that is as eternal as the cosmic sea.
Osho says be the ocean, not the wave. Be the sky, not the cloud in the sky. And Osho says that when we surrender to the divinity that is within us and travel into the infinite spaciousness of being, we will see that God is everywhere, and we will realize that we are one with everything. This is the beginning of enlightenment.
All that said, “love yourself and know God” isn’t going to help minions of horny gay men figure out how to have sex during a pandemic that is more communicable than AIDS, even if it isn’t as deadly for everyone as HIV was in the early days. So, I’m putting this out there to my gay brothers and anyone else who wants to join me in this conversation. How will we find ways to connect when we’re social distancing on a sexual, emotional and spiritual level?
The answer that comes to me is that this is a great time to slow down the stampede of Truveda induced free for all mayhem and stop and get to know each other again as hearts and souls instead of objectifying each other and putting everybody on a meat rack. That was one of the positive things about sex in the 80’s and 90’s. People began to connect to each other spiritually, intellectually, and emotionally again. This is the perfect time to move beyond projection, quick fixes, and compulsive behavior. It is the right time for intimacy and real connections.
As the virus progresses, and we get closer to heard immunity, I’m sure the gay community will get resourceful and find out all kinds of ways to get their rocks off. Cyber hookups, circle jerks with masks on at the proper social distance, and things that probably haven’t been invented yet, like full body condoms…who knows.
But I think its time we started talking about this. Because right now, we’re not really talking about it, and people are taking all kinds of risks without really stopping to explore the potential consequences. Let’s do what we do best in gay culture. Let’s talk about sex. Let’s find a way to talk about love too while we’re at it.
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