Save Time and energy at meetings. Instead of sharing, just pick a number that matches your story and call it out when it’s your turn. No more messy, rambling shaggy dog stories, AND shorter meetings! Enjoy!
1. Shit in my pants, barf on my chin...
2. I came to the next morning with an empty gallon of cheap vodka rolled over by the side of the bed.
3. That was the best relapse I ever had.
4. I sold the children into white slavery and burned through the cash in a single spree, and that still wasn’t my bottom.
5. 86’d from a scat bar and didn’t get the hint.
6. Necrophilia has its limitations.
7. My suicide attempt failed, so now I have to deal with all of you sick fucks.
8. Road rage is an emotional relapse.
9. I am a sick fuck, but just for today, I am less of a menace to society.
10. I used to be a whore, but today I am just a slut.
11. Ah, the ramifications of homicide…
12. The interview went great until they got to the part of the application that asked if I had ever been convicted of any felonies.
13. Normal people do not understand the daily trials and tribulations of being married to a bank robber.
14. I followed the advice of my disease and we both ended up in jail.
15. If your closet has too many skeletons, where will you go to hide the needles?
16. My life was perfect but I was wretched, so now I have to hang out with all you sick fucks.
17. Two Dobermans violated me and I liked it.
18. It never occurred to me that it was inappropriate to wet my pants while sitting on your new couch.
19. I lived in the best dumpster on the block.
20. There’s a fine line between vehicular manslaughter and hit and run driving that is still fuzzy to me.
21. Embezzlement is an awfully strong word.
22. I woke up next to him and the only part of his body that was clean was around his nipples.
23. Alcoholics barf and shit in their pants but tweekers are always douched and dehydrated.
24. Public masturbation is apparently not estimable in the eyes of the law.
25. My idea of having my crack addiction under control was barricading the doors and blacking out the windows before my paranoia set in.
26. I only lied about everything.
27. My inconsistency was the one thing you could rely on.
28. People are scum and filth, but I am brimming with gratitude, just for today.
29. Who needs a driver’s license to drive anyway?
30. The true definition of desperation is saying yes to a rim job sight unseen for $125.
31. He hit me, but it felt like a kiss.
32. People who fall in love with men who are in prison have intimacy issues.
33. We hid her body in a dumpster and ordered another round.
34. Chrystal Champagne doesn’t taste as buttery when you are shooting it out of your nose with chunks of crue d’ete.
35. Thank God I memorized the big book before I went on my killing spree and ended up locked in the isolation tank.
36. Doesn’t everybody run their own meth lab?
37. Why does Satan always hang out in the bathroom?
38. After I went through a series of sponsors who all died violent and terrible deaths, the voices suggested that I find someone who would willingly cosign all of my bullshit.
39. What is it with club bathrooms? I go in looking for a husband, and always end up with Satan instead.
40. AA has shown me how to forgive myself and others…I think that’s why I keep relapsing.
41. AA has made me more tolerant of the people I can stand to have around me.
42. AA has changed my life…and that and a name change, and moving to another state, has made me feel better about myself.
43. AA meetings have filled my time, and through the fellowship my rent and transportation needs have been met.
44. I found my lover in AA, but he left me for someone in ACOA.
45. I came to AA from OA because of the coffee and doughnuts.
46. I used to be just homeless, but now I’m homeless in AA and have a place to go to.
47. Now that I’m sober, when I do shit my pants I can blame someone else.
48. I feel if I’m bored with AA, I’m bored with the world, but it’s been three months since I’ve been to a meeting.
49. When I question what my sponsor tells me to do, he always throws the big book at me.
50. Whenever I think I can’t stand another AA meeting some cute guy comes into the rooms.
51. I’ve never wanted for anything since I’ve joined AA and my trust fund got turned back on.
52. I’ve never killed anyone in or out of AA, but I’ve been closer in AA.
53. My family has started talking to me again since I joined AA…and they want their money back.
54. Since I was in Betty Ford before AA, I can’t help feeling that I’ve gone from a specialist to a free clinic.
55. I’m still trying to decipher the fine line between rigorous honesty and inappropriate disclosure.
56. Just for today I will not dismember or eviscerate the people who piss me off unless I can think of a way to do it without getting caught in which case anything is possible.
57. Come here little girl, you’ve got a pretty little mouth.
58. I’m writing a gratitude list about syphilis and crabs to exonerate myself for spreading venereal diseases.
59. The last words he said before I strangled him with my bare hands and watched the life drain out of his eyes were, “why don’t you talk to your sponsor about that.”
60. Barfly sounds so derogatory.
61. Before I got sober, my life was painful and unmanageable. Now that I’m sober, my life is painful and unmanageable, but I am able to stay present for all of the excruciating pain. Wow!
62. If you stick around for the cash and prizes you can give the new comers hope and make the losers in the room feel like shit!
63. Now that I have sealed off all of the escape routes in my life I have finally faced myself, and I have realized that I am a complete asshole.
64. I love myself, and that is why you must die, my sweet.
65. I was afraid that if I said the 7th step prayer and actually meant it I might disappear into thin air.
66. Having the most time in AA is kind of like announcing that you are the world’s tallest midget.
67. As a result of drinking I’ve lost my wife, my children, my home, my job, my friends, even my dog. I’ve got 30 days, and next weekend, I’m going to the pound.
68. Now that I’m sober I don’t get embarrassed when I puke all over myself.
69. Now that I’ve lost everything and I’m in jail, I have a desire to stop drinking.
70. The most frightening thing in my drinking was coming out of a blackout and discovering that I was in an AA meeting.
71. I knew I needed help when I woke up from a New Year’s party in February.
72. My lover stuck with me when I was a drunk. Now that I’m sober, he says he feels free to leave.
73. I got sober for myself, but a lot of people have jumped on the bandwagon.
74. From the moment he announced that he could never love me and that he was completely unavailable I knew that I had to have him and that someday he would be mine.
75. What is it about domestic violence that is such a big deal anyway?
76. A tiny crystal binge would take care of all of the weight I put on in rehab in a snap.
77. My higher power has a bigger cock than yours, fucker!
78. Thank God the program is anonymous, because no one knows I’m a mess.
79. Sometimes God speaks to me through other people, and right now he’s telling me that you’re an asshole.
80. Before I came into this program I was a liar, a cheat, and a thief. Now that I’m sober, I’m still a liar, a cheat, and a thief, but I don’t get caught anymore because I’ve learned how to deflect my crimes onto innocent people.
81. I don’t have any resentments, I just hate all you fuckers!
82. At least now that I’m sober I know why when I wake up and there’s blood all over my ass.
83. In a tawdry moment of self-realization, it occurred to her that if tequila bottles could dump the trash, she wouldn’t need a man at all.
84. You can fuck me up the ass, but don’t spit on your cock and tell me its lube.
85. The only difference between a slut and a whore is that the whore has the good sense to charge.
86. Since I’ve joined AA I’ve discovered that I don’t have to isolate, because I can meditate fourteen hours a day instead.
87. I sought through prayer and medication to improve my conscious contact with God.
88. There I was, lying in urine and feces, choking on my own vomit in the dark, and no one even bothered to call and wish me a happy birthday.
89. After I drained what was left of the vanilla it occurred to me that it was time to leave the house and stumble back to the liquor store.
90. After my liver transplant I decided that it was time to get serious about controlling my drinking.
91. I believe I can save you from your codependency issues.
92. Despondency is underrated.
93. Why is why why?
94. My lover’s addiction is driving me to drink.
95. All of the self-destructive behavior in my family made me suicidal.
96. I am a deep person driven to superficiality to overcompensate for too much empathy.
97. All I could think about while I was getting gang banged was you.
98. Some people say I’m cheap, but I like to think of myself as a bargain.
99. I am a shy person driven to blatant exhibitionism to overcompensate for my inherent meekness and an over abundance of genuine humility.
100. We’re all fucked.
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